Lately, my eyes have been clearing from the fog of grief. And what I see I would like to change. They say that the first step to change is awareness.
As you know, I have been struggling with life after Little-bit’s death. I have found that he was part of my identity, and the loss of this identity has been a major blow. I find myself asking, “Who am I?” and “Where am I going?” But as the fog is clearing, I am becoming aware of things that have changed and things that can be changed.
Things will never be ‘normal’ again, I have to create a new normal. I came across this thought process a few days ago reading another blog. I don’t even know how I got to that blog or what blog it was (I’ve been hanging out at the WordPress Photography-Tag Page), I just remember that thought resonating with me. The blogger in question was referring to having a new child in her life, where as, to me it is about the loss of a loved one.
In the nearly 4 months since Little-bit passed away, I’ve let some things in my life slip. My sleep habits are completely messed up. I’ve gained weight, possibly 10lbs. I haven’t been eating well, because I haven’t been playing in the kitchen. Which also means, I haven’t been taking care of my taste-tester like I used to either. But I think all these things can be worked on, so I have hope for the future.
I have also become aware that I’m a hermit. As much as I think I want to be around other people, the truth is that I get anxious and feel lonelier in a full room than I do at home alone. But that too, I think I can work on, little by little.
The good news is that I actually crave some of my old healthy habits. The first step I took to finding out who I am, was to go back to school. Even though I was totally anxious the day of my class (each week) and nervously sweated during the class. I think I had withdrawal the week after the class was over. My mind had been so full of getting my assignments done, that I was able to push away some of the grief. But when class was over, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Needless to say, last week was hard. My taste-tester has been so incredibly patient and understanding, he is why I’m going to get through this.
So, the new normal, what is it? Well, I guess it can be anything I want it to be. I’m taking baby-steps toward some of my interests. I’ve enrolled in more classes in both photography and accounting. I’ve started cooking again. I’ve started making my taste-tester’s lunches again. And I’ve started exercising again; last Friday I did an hour of yoga and walked two miles; only moments ago, I walked/ran 2 miles. Yea me! 🙂
Speaking of letting things slip, it occurred to me yesterday, that I might be near my blogiversary. Oops, it turns out that on June 7, my blog turned two years old. My blog has gone through so many twists and turns, but in reality, so has my life. There have been many times when I thought about quitting the blog, but I always came back. Even when I was so frustrated when it felt like no one was listening (reading). And well, sometimes, no one is listening. But the cool thing is that even though what I say today may not be read today, it might be searched for in the future. The posts that are my favorites aren’t necessarily the popular ones, but you know what? That’s ok. I’m ok. And something I’m going to work on in my ‘new normal’ is to stop being so hard on myself.
Oddly my most popular post of all time (if you don’t count the home page) is: Quit acting your age… which is when I tried out a cruelty-free hair dye for the first time and I was afraid it might be too red. There was a time when I was being referred by some Russian web page… I guess someone really likes redheads! 🙂 And by the way, I still use that product and that color of red, I still love it all these years later.
The most popular searches (of all time) that brought people to my blog were just as odd… running and runner symbol. What?! Ok… very very odd. I’m not a true runner, I’m a wannabe. So I find this very odd, indeed. Actually, I think they just wanted to use the picture, they weren’t coming to my blog to read about running.
But when I see that someone has searched for a food item or a recipe and they found my blog, I’m happy. I’m even happy when they search for a flower or an animal and find my pictures. It’s all good.
Until next time…