Aimless. Goalless…

It occurred to me a day or two ago that I don’t have a reason to get up in the morning. I don’t mean that in some sort of depressed way. I wouldn’t label myself as depressed, perhaps if I had to label myself… it would be aimless and goalless. But not depressed. I’ve been depressed before, and this is not it. Thank goodness.

No, this is, I believe, a product of just not knowing what to do with myself. I’m in a new city, everything has changed and yet, nothing has changed.

I’ve been nursing a few injuries that I sustained during the move, my left leg (adductor brevis or adductor longus) and my right wrist. I thought that by not working out and sleeping more that I would heal faster. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Yes, my leg does feel better, but it’s still not healed. And now I have new sore areas, my left shoulder and my lower back.

Last night I decided that I would get back out there and do some walk-jogging in the morning. I researched when sunrise would be and set my alarm. I’ve been getting entirely too much sleep and decided that I just need to make a change in my routine. I woke on my own about an hour before I intended to go out and my taste-tester woke up just enough to ask that I wait until it was light out. I assured him that I was going to wait for sunrise. I could hear that it was still raining outside and wondered if Murphy (Murphy’s law) was going to win this round. It has been raining here for awhile and the temperatures have dropped. It is currently 60°F. I am in SoCal, right? I thought it was always sunny here. Actually, I think it’s kind of nice to have some weather changes. I’d be quite bored if it was 72°F and sunny everyday.

I had resigned that today I would write and probably do yoga… but now that I look out the window, the rain has stopped and the sun is coming out.

About my aimless and goalless-ness… I thought that it would be good to get out and take a walk-jog to clear my head. There’s nothing else like being out by yourself with nothing else to do than ponder about life, the universe, and everything, to help you make some decisions. Sure I could attempt such self assessment at home, but there are too many distractions. Outside, by yourself, it’s just you and your thoughts. The puppy is safe at home with my taste-tester, and the two are snug and sleeping. So my duties as a wife and mother can be put on hold, while I think about myself for awhile. What do I want, where am I going?

I read a few things last night that got me thinking… one was a fellow blogger (I call her the Canadian baker to help my taste-tester keep up with all the blogs I read) who had been trying out pizza dough for a competition. She tried 5 different doughs. Hmm. I never do that, why don’t I do that? Experiment. I mean really experiment. It occurred to me that I tell my taste-tester all the time that he can spend money on his craft/hobby/future job education because it always pays off in the end. You can’t learn if you don’t practice. But for some reason, for myself, I get irritated if I let an apple go bad. It hit me last night that this is what I do. Seriously? I have to ask myself. If I don’t practice, how do I expect to become good at my craft? There is going to be a time when I go back out into the workforce and what will I have to show for it?

The other thing I read last night that got me to thinking was an article on Centenarians (the link courtesy of the Canadian baker). I’ve been getting a bit anxious lately that I’m about to turn 39. And here you have these 100 year olds that have more of a life than I do. They go out to lunch, see their friends… get out. I sit at home. Lately, I’ve been reading, but for the few months that I’ve lived here, I really don’t have much to show for my time. Some days I think, what did I do today? Where did the time go?

Aimless. Goalless.

I want that to change. I have my whole life before me… what do I want to do? Where do I want to go?

The sun is up, the rain has stopped. I think it’s time to have a serious conversation with myself, one on one.

Until next time…
~nic

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One thought on “Aimless. Goalless…

  1. Pingback: Halloween Weekend Wrap-up… « The Auspicious Squirrel

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