Let Go…

Yesterday afternoon I had a totally horrendous time… it was one of those days and it wasn’t getting any better, in fact, it seemed to get worse the harder I tried to get things accomplished. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t realize until it was too late. And looking back on it now, it doesn’t seem to be nearly as bad as it felt while I was in the throws of it.

In fact, I feel a bit silly now because it really wasn’t all that bad. It was a few inconveniences that threw me off kilter. Ok, I’ll stop beating around the bush and just tell you about my day, and how I turned it around…

Yesterday, started like none other… my usual routine is to go to the bathroom, (wash my hands), brush my teeth, and then go make my taste-tester’s lunch. I prepare tea for two; mine, I drink then and his, I put in a thermos for later… but yesterday, I did not brush my teeth… something I’ve done every morning since I can remember (something I picked up when I had braces in HS), but for some reason, it didn’t happen. Also when I prepared my taste-tester’s lunch, I only made tea for one, him. Another oddity, I ate cereal soon after he left for work, I usually don’t eat until a few hours after I’ve been up so that I can exercise first. None of these odd things occurred to me until later. I decided that I would run to Target for a few items to ‘tweak the puppy’… I should only be gone about 30 minutes… oh, how wrong I was… oh so wrong…

In addition to the odd morning routine, when I went to grab my bag to leave, the lapel tack that my taste-tester got me, while on his recent trip, broke off. :| Little-bit was aware of my leaving, so I knew I had less time to be gone, so I tried to hurry. As I was driving away, I thought, “hey, I haven’t brushed my teeth or had tea ?!”

Target itself went fairly well, I should have been back within my 30 minute goal… but I needed gas… I remembered seeing a gas station on the way there, where was that? As I was searching around, the car in front of me suddenly stopped… I slammed on my breaks and my bag and purchases when flying toward the floorboard. Luckily, I stopped in time and there was plenty of space between me and the other car.

The next light was the gas station I was searching for, so I pulled in there… put the bags back on the passenger seat, got out my credit card and got out of my car. The gas pumps in California require that you enter a zip code (your billing address)… I had changed my address last week online, so it should have gone through by now. It gave me four tries… the first try, it didn’t take all the numbers so instead of having 5 numbers, it had two when I hit enter (of course I noticed just as I was hitting enter and saying CRAP!), it gave me another try, this time I pushed each number like I was on slow-mo… I entered my CA zip… authorizing…. enter zip code… wtf?…. slow-mo CA zip…. authorizing…. enter zip code… GRRRRR!…. slow-mo VA zip…. authorizing…. see sales clerk…. ARGGGG!!!!!!

Remember that puppy back home barking his freaking little head off?! Yeah, he’s gonna have to wait…. I stumble around in my car to get my bag so that I can go inside and prove that I am indeed the owner of this credit card…. of course, there is a line… the clerk was really nice, he understood the situation of moving… I had to guess how much I though I would spend on gas… um… $25?…

Back at the car, I couldn’t find my keys… oh, there they are in my pants pocket… I pushed or rather pulled the lever for the gas tank and the trunk opened… aaaahhhh!…. push the lever… the gas tank opened and I shut the trunk… I started to pump gas and decided I’d wash the windshield while I waited… I got the driver side all wet and then went to squeegie… but the rubber was crap and it was all streaky… “is everything all jacked up today? Grrrr”…. I just left the windshield all crappy and went back to the now finished pump… ‘go inside for refund’, it said… it came up to something like $24.81… back inside I went… the clerk says, ‘it only charges you what you pump whether you come back in here or not’… ok, good to know… he gave me a new receipt.

On the way home, my bag tipped over. I tried to right it while driving and it spilled all the contents out onto the floorboard… Breathe, nic….

By the time I got home, I had been gone 1 hour and 11 minutes… Little-bit was barking his ass off. >:|

I quietly entered the house, sat down at the computer and entered his tweaking time into my spread sheet… Little-bit was in the bedroom telling the neighborhood how much I suck, so he didn’t know I was home yet. Eventually he came barking into the living room and noticed me, I continued to ignore his ‘bad’ behavior. Once he finally calmed down and stopped making noise, I gave him a quiet petting. Crazy little dog.

I decided that I was going to let all my tasks wait the rest of the day. And I certainly wasn’t going to get behind the wheel again that day. I went and made that tea, that I apparently needed. And I got caught up reading some blogs. Eventually, Little-bit decided that I was in for the rest of the day and he could go relax and he snoozed in the bathroom.

As I read about the life of others, and calmed myself down. I began to think about why my past two days had gone so horribly wrong. That’s when I realized that I had been going full throttle trying to get stuff done and was feeling like I was running in place. Then I came to realize that there are some things in my day, and as little as they may seem, they are the things that keep me sane. Brushing my teeth first thing, having a nice cup of tea, and oddly a new ‘habit’… carrying around my new camera.

Yeah, that one threw me too. I have been wearing my camera everywhere I go, ever since I got it on Saturday morning (July 31)… it has become a part of me so much that one of my neighbors noticed when I WASN’T wearing it. For some reason on Monday, I didn’t take it with me… Little-bit was having trouble on the stairs, and I didn’t want to break the camera while trying to help him out… so I ended up not taking it the whole day, plus I spent the majority of that day going up and down the stairs doing laundry. In fact, when I took Little-bit out at 7pm (the golden hour) I wasn’t wearing my camera then either… the birds were out being cute, the lighting was awesome… even the humming birds came over to hover and say hi… it was like nature was teasing me because I didn’t have my camera. Tuesday morning I didn’t take my camera either, then I had the whole gas station frustration…. so as I sat here contemplating whether or not to blog about my day… I decided… no, I’m going out. Little-bit is asleep, probably will be for three hours, just to mess with me… so, damn it… I’m going out WITH my camera.

I didn’t have a goal, I only kind of had a destination… I was out to get fresh air, relax, and forget my worries – if only for a little while. After I had crossed the crosswalk, I remembered that on Friday around this time I had seen a couple of bunnies, but I didn’t have my camera then because I was ‘out for a run’ that day.

I took a few pictures, but mostly just realized that the camera itself has become my ‘zen time’. I’ve come to rely on it to calm my day. It is very much like yoga… in yoga you soften your gaze and focus on your breath, you set your worries aside and just breathe and move. With the camera, you look at nature, you look for the interesting, the not immediately visible… you set your worries aside and just focus. That’s what I had been missing the last two days, my camera, my zen time. Even when I have Little-bit attached to my arm I can go into the zone with my camera. That ‘zen time’ has become a vital part of me, and I didn’t realize it until I was at the gas station and something so minor felt like my world was crumbling around me.

So, I let go… I zoned in… I looked around… I set my worries aside… I took photos…

Little-bit was barking when I returned… maybe he was having a crappy day too… but this time, my attitude about it was of understanding. I quietly walked in the door, sat at the computer and entered 0:47:37 into my spreadsheet and waited patiently for him to calm down so that I could give him some love. The camera has become my yoga, my zen. And like yoga, I need to make time for it. Because when I am without it, my day isn’t nearly as sweet.

Until next time…
~nic

mini food diary:
(sun)…

(mon)…

tall glass of water – no photo tall glass of cold tea – no photo


(tue)…

(wed)…

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